A Kinder Way to Compare Yourself

A few months back it dawned on me that for a while I had been weighing major life decisions based almost entirely on other people’s accomplishments. That’s kind of a terrifying sentence to say out loud but it came about in a variety of insidious ways:

• Someone whose writing I enjoy sold a book, therefore I should write and sell a book

• Someone named Beverly or Jessica or Shannon or Paul on my Linkedin feed had the same years of experience as me and was already a Director or a VP at their company, like five rungs further up the ladder, therefore my career was not going well, or worse, I was not talented enough

• This yoga teacher or that would get 30+ students in their class every week and I would get about half that, so I was a bad teacher

• Another friend my age was making over double my salary, so I was very underpaid and would never build wealth

• Another person met their partner at work therefore I should try to meet a partner at work but wait how will I do that if I leave my job oh shit….

• Honestly it would go on and on like this, but you get the idea.

There’s this Ani DiFranco song called “Evolve” that springs to mind:

And there’s this moth outside my kitchen door
She’s bonkers for that bare bulb
Flying round in circles
Bashing in her exoskull
And out in the woods she navigates fine by the moon
But get her around a light bulb and she’s doomed

That last line has always stuck with me, and on a subconscious level I reflect on it in my frustration with these harmless creatures when they get in the house. The hopeless navigation toward something artificial — something that is not going to get them where they want to go — makes me really angry. Because of course, it reminds me of myself.

Whenever you compare yourself to others, you will always exist somewhere along a spectrum in terms of perceived life accomplishments. Someone will always have a better job than you — someone will always have a worse job. Someone will always make more money than you — someone will always make less. Someone will always be better at XYZ craft — someone will always be worse. Someone will always be fitter — someone will always be less fit. To figure out where you are on this spectrum or move this way or that is a pointless mission, it’s just not productive or helpful information in any way. It leaves us trying to emulate other people’s journeys and life decisions, hopping from one useless light bulb to the next.

As I was pondering all this, I wanted to come up with some sort of device when I got in over my head in The Comparison Game. Because ultimately, we are social creatures and comparison isn’t bad per se. When we are kids, comparison helps us learn how to walk and talk and what’s acceptable. It’s how we learn and evolve and navigate the world.

So how do you compare productively? How can comparing yourself give you more information that you can use to make the next best move for you, rather than leave you feeling inadequate?

The next time you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else, pause and ask yourself: Do I admire this person?

It’s kind of a show-stopper for me. I would say it eliminates about 90 percent of the people to which I often compare myself. In fact even just applying this question over the last week, I have felt mentally lighter. Because if I don’t admire this person, why is it worth my energy comparing myself? In fact, if I don’t admire them, aren’t I kind of setting myself up to debase myself in the Game of Comparison. What a losing battle!

Now, if you do admire them… *rubs hands together* we’re really cooking with some information. The question I ask myself next is, What quality do I most admire about them?

Then you take that information and you ask, do I have this quality? And sometimes the answer is yes, and you really just needed to affirm it in yourself. You can even repeat it yourself in the shower or in front of the mirror or before you do your yoga practice.

And sometimes the answer is no, but now you have a quality that you can work on striving toward. What is one way you could develop that quality in the coming week? If you admire an artist, do you actually admire their discipline and focus? If so, set yourself a goal of applying discipline to your practice, one hour each day for the next week.

Here’s this formula in a chart for easy reference:

Here’s a simple explanation of why this works better. Let’s say you’re comparing yourself to a friend who makes a lot of money, but you also happen to admire this friend. Once you get to the “why do I admire her?” part, you could find that it’s because she is able to live a flexible life of following her curiosities, or you could find that she uses it to live a very stable life where she feels safe. Stable and curious. These are two different qualities, and understanding what you’re most attracted to is going lead you toward better answers than “making X amount of dollars” ever could.

The last part is important. When you have the information you need, mentally thank the person and release them. Hoo-boy am I working on this part, but try not to keep circling back and rehashing the process, trying to convince yourself that you must follow in this person’s life path.

Ya know, my friend has designated a cup in the house now for moth removal. She so delicately scoops them up and lets them free outside. Next time, I’ll have to work on showing these little creatures a bit more grace.